A note? Part II Well, what was I to expect? Certainly let my imagination got away with it for a while...... But like she said, at least we are talking again. Things have certainly changed a lot since then. Yet, I can't find it in my heart to let go. This will probably make things worse in the future but...

I guess this explains a lot.  ¶ 11:10:00 pm 1 comments

  After a while..

You learn the difference, subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t always mean security
And you begin to learn that kisses arent contracts
And presents arent promises

And you begin to accept your defeat
With you head held up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of an adult not the grief of a child
And you learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down in midflight

After a while…
You learn that even sunshine burns - if you get too much
So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
And you learn that you really can endure
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth

Veronica A. Snoffstall

  ¶ 1:59:00 am 0 comments

  A note? Curiouser and curiouser...  ¶ 12:05:00 am 0 comments

  Stomp Surprisingly good acoustics was marred by the less than enthusiastic crowd. The act itself has certainly aged less well than I recall. While sitting next to the speakers made for an interesting aural experience, the energy emitted was limited and lacking.

Ultimately? Disappointing if you've seen them before. But if it is your first time, there is nothing quite like it out there.  ¶ 11:38:00 pm 1 comments

  Dynamics At Carl's Jr, even the topics discussed is bigger.

It was surprising how many people turned up in school after the previous night/morning's activites but that's the nature of this school (or at the very least, its students) So I met you, you, you and you who decided to ask me out for dinner.

Over dinner, we discussed many issues close to our heart. I decide to tell you a few things which I've already told her and which I think you should know too, in order for you to properly do your job. But I guess a lot of the things we talked about weren't that surprising to you. Some were merely matters which you never thought about, but now that I brought it to your attention, I hope you can pay some mind to it and prevent it from flaring.  ¶ 1:42:00 am 0 comments

  Why do we hope for things that can never be yours Because we are only human.

Because without it, what else do we have but despair?

Because there is no resolution.

Because we don't want to give up hope.

Because maybe, just maybe, the feelings will be reciprocated one day.  ¶ 11:23:00 pm 0 comments

  A Presentation That I left till the last minute and cost me three sleepless nights.

That a student praised as very good, containing lots of information and the presenters knowing their stuff well.

That the prof said was one of the most detailed he had ever seen. It wasn't that good really.

That was full of cold jokes. That fell flat.

That's finally over. With the next one exactly one week later.  ¶ 12:34:00 am 0 comments

  Trust How do I say this? How do I go about this? Thinking about it for ages does not make it any easier.

I trusted you once. Even though you could never comfort me, even though when you didn't know what to do, I still treated you as a very good friend. We talked long hours, we hung out. There were moments of coldness, but we got over that.

Until you told things I told you in trust to the ONE person you should not have told it to.

Of all the people to tell, you told that one, person.

I could never trust you with anything again after that.

I see you turning into the same person as another friend who is lacking in so many ways that it alienates her from almost anyone that matters. And I don't know if I care enough to help you away from that path. I can tolerate that behavior and still be your friend.

Just not the close friend that I thought we were.  ¶ 10:05:00 pm 0 comments

  I am that guy... ... that fell in love with you, you and you.

I am the guy whom you approached in a bookstore and totally surprised by talking to him. I am the guy who talked to you on the phone every single night for more than six months, listening to you wax lyrical about dreams and studies and parents and me. I am the guy who asked to be your boyfriend. I am the guy you rejected, only to be accepted when you leave for overseas. I was the guy that thought we could make something out of it but was taught otherwise.

I am that guy whose heart you broke.

I am the guy for whom you left your boyfriend and best friend for. I am the guy you loved over a thousand kilometers. I am the guy that gave you a ring on top of the Empire State Building. I am the guy that gave you a stuffed wolf to keep you company when you return to your home, and bought a corresponding wolf for to keep me company. I am the guy you never saw in the flesh for more than six months during a one and half year relationship, begging the question why do you need such a boyfriend. I am the guy that you cried over in the dark, missing, and pining, alone in your room. I am the guy that sees all these, even when you think I didn't, being so far away, feeling pangs of regret and hurt for bringing these upon you. I am the guy whom you shyly kissed as you enter the room after the previous night's fateful talk over the phone, and shyly kissed back because its his first time. I am also the guy who cried at the reservoir the day you said you were tired of it all, the distance and not being there for you even when I visited every holidays. I am the guy who held hope in his heart, till you killed that hope. I am the guy who doesn't know what to feel about you any longer.

I am that guy whose heart you shattered.

I am the guy who was a senior, a leader, then a friend. I am the guy that accompanied you studying into the wee hours of the night, till I couldn't stand it any longer and dozed off, leaving you to try waking me up, only to fail, and in exasperation, leave me alone. I am the guy that saw you cried and hug you whenever it happens. I am the guy you talked to as we lied beside each other in the dark, sharing secrets and gossips, pretending the events of the previous day never happened. I am the guy who saw you waiting for his call every single night, or call him if he doesn't. I am the guy that saw that smile everytime it happens, and felt something which I didn't know the nature of then. I am the guy that saw how he priorities other things ahead of you, and felt anger even when you didn't. I am the guy for whose birthday you bought and decorated a book for. I am the guy who carried you into the room when you collapsed with a high fever, and stayed up all night to cool you down even when you implored me to go rest. I am the guy that on another night, heard you gasping for breath, and stayed up all night supporting you so you could breath. I am the guy that saw you in pain and brought you to the hospital even when you didn't want to because you were scared. I am the guy you didn't see waiting outside the x-ray room in fear, wondering what's wrong with you, sick with worry and unable to get a hold of myself. I am the guy who was overcome with helplessness after you came out of the room, smiling bravely, trying not to make us worry, despite the pain. I am the guy that realised I was in love with you then, even when I knew it was him you loved, not me. I am the guy that dreamed of being the man you deserved, but knew it was only a dream after all, and never expects anything more than what we already have. I am the guy that still harbours a soft spot for you. I am the guy who just wants to remain your friend, but now that you know my feelings, can we?

I am just a guy, like so many guys and girls out there. Which of them are you?  ¶ 3:24:00 am 1 comments

  Revolution indeed The iPod nano has certainly been one of the highest anticipated tech news to come out of Silicon Valley in the last week. However, this, this and this from the Tokyo Game Show certainly is the most exciting announcement made in recent history. Even the announcement of the international launch dates for the Xbox 360 later this year could take the breeze out of Nintendo's sails.

With the unique design of the DS and now this, Nintendo is certainly living up to their design first philosophy. I can see many exciting possibilities of this design. Just imagine the next gen Harry Potter game. Virtua Tennis. Question is, will the developers follow suit? And will the public buy into it?

I think they can. NintenDogs and Warioware has shown that there is a market for unique and original games that take advantage of real innovations in hardware. Problem is that dirty word in development world right now. Original. God forbid that in this new world of million dollars development fees, they should even dare to attempt to try anything new that's not going to earn them tons of money. Its about milking tried and tested franchises for all they are worth. Not to mention the questions of user installed base. In the vicious cycle between games and hardware developers, the question is whether would consumers follow the games or the machine?  ¶ 12:17:00 am 0 comments

  Butterfly Kisses There's two things I know for sure.
She was sent here from heaven,
and she's daddy's little girl.
As I drop to my knees by her bed at night,
she talks to Jesus, and I close my eyes.
And I thank God for all of the joy in
my life, But most of all, for...

Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer.
Stickin' little white flowers all up in her hair.
"Walk beside the pony
daddy, it's my first ride."
"I know the cake looks funny,
daddy, but I sure tried."
Oh, with all that I've done wrong,
I must have done something right
To deserve a hug every morning,
And butterfly kisses at night.

Sweet sixteen today,
She's looking like her momma
a little more everyday.
One part woman, the other part girl.
To perfume and makeup,
from ribbons and curls.
Trying her wings out in a great
big world. But I remember...

Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer.
Stickin' little white flowers all up in her hair.
"You know how much I love you daddy,
But if you don't mind,
I'm only going to kiss you on
the cheek this time."
With all that I've done wrong
I must have done something right.
To deserve her love every morning,
And butterfly kisses at night.

All the precious time
Like the wind, the years go by
Precious butterfly
Spread your wings and fly

She'll change her name today.
She'll make a promise,
and I'll give her away.
Standing in the bride room
just staring at her,
she asked me what I'm thinking,
and I said "I'm not sure,
I just feel like I'm losing my baby girl."
Then she leaned over....and gave me....

Butterfly kisses, with her mama there
Sticking little flowers all up in her hair
"Walk me down the aisle, daddy, it's just about time"
"Does my wedding gown look pretty, daddy?"
"Daddy,
don't cry."
With all that I've done wrong,
I must have done something right
To deserve her love every morning,
And butterfly kisses
I couldn't ask God for more, man, this is what love is
I know I've gotta let her go, but I'll always remember
Every hug in the morning, and butterfly kisses...  ¶ 3:08:00 am 0 comments

  Be a man. He's just funny.

Do the right thing  ¶ 12:12:00 am 0 comments

  Normalcy, or what seems to pass for it So you rose to the post. Hesitant, unsure, wondering if its the right thing to do. I look at you, tried to will you strength. There were delibrations. Awaiting a sign? Fear of the future? Fear of each other?

We talked at the end of things. For moment, it seemed that the time between us slipped away and it was as if things had never been. You smiled, I laughed, we had a good time. I had a good time.

Did you?  ¶ 1:31:00 am 0 comments

  Of B and me Part II Long time ago, when my best friend last came back to Singapore, I had a long conversation with him. He had just left earlier in that year for his degree in the States, leaving me and the rest of us in National Slavery. On that bus trip, we talk about drugs, music and inevitably, the fairer sex. Of particular interest was how he found the philosophy section in Borders a great place to pick up girls because it makes him look intellectual just hanging about in the area. Though that particular theory fails to explain why girls find intellectual tweens attractive.

Which brings us back to the story where it last ended. I was reading at the comics section at Borders one Christmas season eons ago. This was back when they had a giantic collection of unwrapped books on the shelves where they display the sci-fi collection now. I can't remember what comic I was reading, except now that I think about it, it most probably is some manga as it is unlikely she would have approached me if I were reading a Marvel or D.C. comic.

What I do know was that suddenly, I heard the sweetest voice just commenting something on the comic that I was reading. Something about one of the characters or the plot or something. Peeked over my book and saw this cute-as-button girl smiling right at me. At this moment I did what any guy in my position would do. I look back to see exactly who she was talking to.

"I'm talking to you silly." There's that angelic voice again, speaking the one sentence I can still recall after all these years. Only this time round, it seemed pretty certain that I was the obvious target of a conversation. Only thing was, this was the first time I've been propositioned by a girl. What would I do? What would I say? Something witty? Nothing comes to mind. How about ask her out? No too direct.

"Well, I guess I'll see you around then." Turn, step and away she went. My eyes followed her but it was some time before my mind caught up with events. Shoot! Chance wasted! Fool of a Took indeed! This is like one of those anime episodes where the protagonists have a really bad encounter with the girl/android/humanoid feline/assorted magical, high tech or kung fu kicking female fatale.

And whaddaya know, it must be anime day in my life cos when I return after leaving for a spot of food, who should be there, but said lady, reading the exact same comic! Now what are the chances of that?

This time, I summoned the courage to talk to her. Alas, time has erased that conversation from my mind, and age has sweetened the memory somewhat. For all I can recall right now is that we spent long hours that day discussing the various merits and plotpoints of the manga we both know. I had an easy time talking with her, and it seemed we knew each other for ages, that was how familiar we felt with each other. But reality soon intrude into our little sphere of existence.

Her mom came over to inform her that they were leaving. She sprang off with a short goodbye, leaving me there forlorn, alone. I tried to return to my reading, but my mind was full of her. Strange, how serendipitous our meeting, yet in that short moment, she had totally captured my imagination.

"In case you're wondering, here's my email address." she said while waving a piece of paper in front of me. I just smiled at her retreating form as she disappeared into the Saturday crowd. Certainly a most interesting girl.

And that was how I got B's email address.  ¶ 4:10:00 am 1 comments

  Of things lost and that which could be Things are not much better.

Everytime you walk by, my heart skips a beat. Much as I try to be at ease around you, I can't. Talking to you, I never know what to say, what is proper and what are taboo.

We were close once, very close. But the distance between us now, that still take getting used to. There would be the occasional time you need help, and I jump at every opportunity to serve. Then there are times where I used to help, but not now. You never asked.

I see you online. I see you with your friends. We waved; a friendly wave, where in the past there would be so much more. We never talk like we used to. We couldn't.

Wonder how things might have been if events had played out a little differently. Would you still have done what you did? Would you still be with him? Would our friendship still be there? I don't know. I can't tell.

I miss you. Or is this the real you and what I missed is but how you behaved around me. A mask? Like the one I put on for others but removed in front of you.  ¶ 1:12:00 am 0 comments

  World Youth Video Conference Series #1 What: Video conference between youths of participating countries to promote dialogue and cross-cultural understanding hosted by the World Bank Singapore

Participants: Japan (represented by Tokyo and Hiroshima), Thailand, Cambodia, Indonesia, Timor Leste, Papa New Guinea and Singapore

Topic: Peace and Conflict: Lessons from the past

Given the conflicts present in these participating countries' histories at one time or the other, there were plenty of fodder for discussion. The heat was mostly on Thailand in the beginning stages, partly because they were the last to present and partly because they presented on the insurgency in the southern part of their country, something which I think a lot of us know remarkably little about, from its origins to current situation. Never knew that area was historically a Muslim sultanate, or that the situation there was exacerbated by high handed administrative officials. The Thais are such a friendly race in general that it is hard to attribute any roughness or rudeness to them. But the reality is that a group of militants is causing a lot of trouble there. Again, I don't really profess to understand the politics of the situation but it is heartening to see the youths in Thailand taking an active interest.

Of more interest to me were the people from Timor Leste. I still have a soft spot for that country given my experiences there. There was a sweet moment were participants from Indonesia and Timor proclaimed each other as brothers. From what I can tell, the Timorese youths I've encountered genuinely want to put the past behind them and find a way to move on. I guess this is partly due to the prevalence of the Catholic faith and culture of forgiveness it promotes. The country have been through a lot in the last twenty years, and they have every right to be bitter and angry. But they are not, and that is something a lot of people could learn from this small country.

N.B. I saw Julianna online! She's one of the students on the business team for the internet cafe. Too bad she didn't recognise me, even when I waved at her. Darn.

After the conference, I went with the other participants for lunch. Met N from Ngee Ann Poly, who's interested in the projects I'm kinda trying to start up in Timor Leste. Even gave me a couple of contacts that I can try to get sponsorship from. Talk about manna from heaven... Now I really don't have any excuse to continue working on bringing Arte Morris over. Maybe I'll be able to alleviate some of the guilt then.  ¶ 10:16:00 am 0 comments

  The more things change the more they stay the same Coming to four weeks since the end of my 'epic' journey into the mountains of the Himalayas. While home was welcome, there has been a slight dissonance between things before I left and things since I came back. Funny how I did not experience the normal dissonance one feels after a long trip overseas like the sudden change back to a familiar culture and environment or jet lag or any one of the myriad examples which I am sure you reader would understand. What I do feel one month into the return is an overwhelming feeling that things just aren't the same anymore. Nothing to do with the trip per se, just an actual change in situations and circumstances beyond by control, and neatly demarcated from the prior situation by a three week holiday.

What is disturbing is the way I have been reacting towards these changes. That is to say, I am bitchin' and cussin' continuously to all those who would hear or just happened to be within earshot, whichever is convenient for that day. A lot of bitchin' going on which makes me a very non desirable person to be around these days. One thing I do know about myself previously is that whatever changes that come, I would take them all in my stride and adapt to the situation as needed. At a time where I'm calling upon this skill to keep my sanity, it is failing and leaving me to the forces swirling around me.

One tries the very hardest to stay the course and live out the rest of the story to be had this year. But it's so hard...  ¶ 1:39:00 am 1 comments